“Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten?”
The teachers used to pose this question a lot in high school.
My outlook was never really bright. I saw myself alone and depressed, just like I felt most of high school. Sure, I had friends, but I couldn’t see them sticking around (and for the most part they didn’t).
I hoped to at least be in college, working and growing towards something. I just didn’t really know what.
Never in a million million years would I have imagined this.
I never imagined I would marry such a wonderful man. I never imagined having children. When I was sixteen, twenty-five seemed so far away. Sometimes I didn’t want to make it that far. Sometimes I wanted to take the easy way out.
I was a dumb teenager. A really dumb teenager. I dated a boy that took advantage of that. Took advantage of my poor poor self esteem. I didn’t want to be alone, I was terrified of it, so I let him abuse and manipulate me.
There is a reason my friends didn’t stick around, and he was it. I wasn’t allowed friends.
I made a lot of mistakes, and time passed so very slowly, and lonely in those days.
And I never looked forward to the future.
When I was seventeen, I did meet a genuinely nice guy, who I know to this day honestly cared, but I was rushing.
We entered an unhealthy relationship.
We had a lot of fun, and maybe could have eventually thrived, but tragedy struck my family, and I went on a downward spiral.
I am too ashamed to think about some of the things I did in that time.
When I was nineteen, I was enticed by another abuser, and that went on for three more years. I became isolated. Abusers like to make sure of that, and I lost almost everyone, again.
I had given up on being happy, but as long as I didn’t have to be alone, it was okay.
One day I snapped out of it.
I don’t know what made me do it. Like having an out of body experience, I saw all the unfair treatment, the isolation, and the verbal abuse I was being subjected to.
I left, and it was the best decision I had ever made, because now I have this.
I have a family. I have someone I know I can spill my guts to without judgement. I have someone I know will choose to love me every single day, no matter how unlovable I’m being. I have someone who I know will always treat me tenderly.
Time was not kind to me in early adulthood. I did so many stupid things. I have spent nights crying over wrongs I can never make right (and still do sometimes), but life has brought me here.
I have so much to be thankful for.
I can’t say I can look back at my teenage years all too fondly, but it made me appreciate so much more.
If I could go back, I can’t say that I would try to change things, because I might miss out on so much now.
Like counting little fingers and toes.
And reading bedtime stories.
And learning what unconditional love is.
If I could meet my sixteen year old self, I may not try to steer her clear of all the pain that awaits, but I would hug her, and tell her to just be patient, because the future is better than she could have ever imagined.
Time. It moves slowly at some points in our life. Often the worst times in our lives, but if we can just keep pushing forward, we may see the future holds such a better outcome than we could have ever imagined.
Some of the old wounds are still there, and some of the old scars are so ugly, but I wear them proudly, because they brought me to the most wonderful time of my life.
SnappinSweetPea 